You don’t joke with the ghosts of old crusaders. Especially not when you’re heading to Malbork – the Teutonic castle near the town of the same name, nestled below sea level on the banks of the Nogat River near Gdańsk. Built in the 13th century, this Polish fortress is the largest castle in the world by land area and the biggest brick structure on the planet. It’s no wonder it’s a proud UNESCO World Heritage site.
Originally, it was meant to be just a quick trip. A short walk through the largest Gothic brick fortress in the world. But we encountered our first time-space distortion before even seeing a single turret – courtesy of the parking attendant.
The Time-Space Paradox
“30 zloty,” she said, standing in the middle of a completely empty parking lot. “But for the whole day,” she added with a smile when she noticed we were about to leave.
“We only need two or three hours,” I tried to negotiate.
“30 zloty for two hours,” she repeated, unwavering.
No jokes. We spun around, dodged the paradox, and found a free parking spot 300 meters away – also completely empty. Then we crossed the river on foot.
The Endless Gate
You walk through a gate. That gate has another gate. And that one has yet another gate. Beyond it is a courtyard. Inside the courtyard – another courtyard. And another one after that. But then someone stops you and says you need to go all the way around the castle to get tickets. So just when you think you’re in – you’re not. Every exit is just another entrance.
“It’s like a brick Matryoshka,” said Johny as we crossed our seventh bridge over the moat. And that’s when it happened. Click. Reality blinked out. My phone died. My smartwatch displayed strange Chinese characters.
Malbork Castle
photo: depositphotos restartnisa
Malbork is a place where something in the air refuses to change – even after centuries. The Teutonic Knights didn’t just build a castle – they built an alternate reality, where the past never really left. Every corner has a niche where someone – or something – might be hiding. It’s a living organism of brick, centuries, and unspoken thoughts. Somewhere in the walls, you realize: you’ve been here before. Not you now – but you then.
Malbork isn’t just a castle. It’s a test. Of memory, of orientation. Of psychological resilience. We lost the sun in the third courtyard. Our faith in cartography in the fourth. And Johny in the fifth. He later admitted he’d urgently needed a restroom – as tends to happen with senior travelers.
Back to the Present (Maybe)
After three hours – or maybe it was a day, or a decade – the castle finally spat us out. Literally. We emerged from the darkness, and the sun lit up like a manic spotlight. Strange white lines crisscrossed the sky. Mysterious crusader signals to pilgrims? Chemtrails? No – just another Ryanair flight descending into Gdańsk, packed with curious tourists.
Johny was silent. We bought a magnet and a book. The vendor accepted a credit card.
“That’s a good sign,” I said.
“Or just a clever cover-up by the Order,” Johny whispered and paid in cash – just in case they gave him change in medieval groats.
We walked around the castle and discovered an old church.
The Church of St. John the Baptist
At the turn of the 20th century, this was allegedly the only Catholic church in town. It’s now under renovation – half the altar covered, paintings hidden, the organ dismantled. But the vaults are beautifully lit, creating a near-mystical atmosphere. As he took photos, Johny began muttering in Latin. Strange, considering he lives among Hungarians and has never had much talent for languages.
“Dominus illuminatio mea,” he whispered, like an incantation.
He claimed he’d seen the phrase on a painting. But I saw no such painting – only a scene of St. George and a strange dagger.
Returning to the Car
Our car – surprisingly – was still parked in the exact same spot. We’d saved 30 zloty, which we decided to invest in good wine.
Malbork Castle: A Time Capsule or the Polish Hogwarts?
If you go to Malbork, we recommend:
- Come with respect. And a fully charged flashlight – not because the lights will go out, but because your map app might.
- Bring a guide. Ideally one who’s alive. Not someone who claims to remember Queen Jadwiga’s coronation.
- Reflect on what “preserved in time” really means. Because some places don’t take you back. They simply don’t let you leave.
Practical Tips
- Malbork is about 60 km from Gdańsk. You can get there by train, car, or – if you’re bold – on horseback.
- The entry fee includes an audio guide.
- The castle is massive – plan for at least 3–4 hours.
- There’s a restaurant, café, and bathrooms inside – though we can’t rule out that they’re run by a descendant of the Knights Templar.
Let me know if you want this formatted for a blog, published as a printable guide, or translated back into a satirical tone.
